Deck The Halls

Only four days to go....winter solstice....tidings of comfort and joy....

I'm one of those for whom this time of year is full of mixed feelings. Although I do have beautiful children I don't have a warm or connected family.

Divorce for us means that we get the kids for half the day each depending on their dad's shifts.

As a child, a broken family for me meant that I learned from a young age not to have many, if any, expectations of the time of year. As I grew up I learned to revel in my care worker jobs, never being able to commit to Christmas plans means I was able to disconnect from any arguments about where to spend the all important day.

Being a parent brings with it other pressures. Mums are meant to be obsessively cleaning, buying, wrapping, baking etc. I can barely scrape myself off the sofa. I'm wiped out with something viral as well as signed off with stress let alone managing my daily pain.

I have boxes of things I've bought for crimbo but cannot face lifting them, going through them or organising them to wrap. I have cards to post, I have written them but I cannot get my brain to accept the next stage, popping in photos of the kids, addressing envelopes, stamping and then going to the post office. I dread getting there only to be told that I have missed the last posting day!

I am slightly reassured by a thread on Mumsnet today, where women competitively brag about their slatternly, or not so slatternly, ways.

I was a slattern for years, part of me was proud but part deeply wished I wasn't. I never learned anything from my mum, not even how to keep house at a very basic level, so having run away at sixteen I had no role model and spent my teens, twenties and thirties living in squalor.

I started to improve once I'd decided that my life was going nowhere fast.

I then married my now ex husband who had very high standards of tidiness.

I became ill while we were together, my ill health further compounded by my two pregnancies. He took sole charge of the cleaning and tidying. 

I railed against his standards but when we split I was left trying to keep house to his standards rather than my own previous standards.

What had happened? I, the dyed in the wool slattern, had suddenly become house proud!

Sadly I didn't have the fitness to maintain his standards.

I am trying and it does wipe me out but I wonder if I am paying it too much heed.

I know the house won't be perfect for Christ's birth celebrations but honestly, does The Holy Babe actually give a monkey's? Do my two holy babes actually give a monkey's? Their dad would be clearing up around us while we opened presents and I was begging him to just sit down and chill with us. 

This year I have wanted so much to prove how we can manage as a small family with me, a non driver, non sailor, at the helm. I let our train become derailed by money worries, work shiz and an unsuitable man.

This year, instead of crying over pain, men, work, money and substandard house care, I want my gift to our family to be my awesome presence, not just my awesome presents.

Merry Christmas, have a good one! What will your gift be, to yourself and to your family?

Wait a Minute Mr Postman

This week I did the unthinkable. The thing that people always advise you not to do. The thing that once done cannot be undone.

I composed an email outlining all the things wrong with a family member's behaviour and attitude towards me.

And pressed send.

Now this has been an ongoing thing, ongoing for the best part of two decades. 

I'm at a low ebb and couldn't take anymore of the relentless assault, digs, muttered insults, and most recently spiteful tagging on social media.

Some years ago I learned that this person was violent and abusive. I tried to intervene and my intervention was at best well meant and at worst clumsy. It was also unwelcome, and resisted by the person subject to the abuse as is sometimes the case in these situations.

Suffice it to say, this person is still in our lives. I have grinned and borne much but felt that I should, as penance for my unwelcome interference.

I am struggling at the moment for a multitude of reasons. It was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Not true actually, it was one of a bale of hay I have is currently breaking my back.

My complaint has of course received a lukewarm response. Other people agree but think I should just keep ignoring it, or pretending to ignore. It will make future family gatherings awkward and uncomfortable. Knowing my family, I will be phased out, which is sad for me but even sadder for my beautiful children who don't have any say in the situation. 

Part of the reason I stood up for myself at last is because as my kids get older I don't want them to hear or see me constantly belittled by this person. I don't want someone around them who so clearly hates me. 

I just don't know what my problem is.

These things keep coming up. Stuff that other people hate but won't confront, I keep on confronting it.

And I keep on pressing send.

None of it adds to my popularity, and in my slightly paranoid state I think it tends to make people avoid me. It's not as though I have friends and family beating the door down to be with me. 

Being constantly tired or feeling poorly tends to grate on people after a while. 

There are only so many invitations that you can turn down before they stop coming at all, so I need all the friends I can get. 

But I'm not willing to compromise on quality for the sake of quantity even though sometimes I could almost kill for quantity.

It transpires that when managing pain and fatigue your (my) nervous system is working so hard to try and deal with these things that you ( I ) are pretty much permanently in 'fight or flight' mode. Where your (my) body is primed to either attack or escape the incoming threat.

Lately a lot of pretty shitty things have been happening in my life. My pre-pain me might have dealt with them with slightly more grace than I do now.

Now I just feel like I am a puddle of melty slush on the floor. I cannot challenge anything effectively. I can barely articulate a sentence due to the sedating side effects of my medication.

I am in danger of turning into a middle aged menopausal grumpy fucker.

I never used to be this way.

I used to laugh about most things, albeit sometimes maniacally but hey, I was still laughing.

My mantra used to be 'laugh in the face of adversity!' Now my mantra (to and about myself) is 'you're shit and you know you are'.

How does one come back from that?

I was a fit person, running, swimming, yoga, dates, slim, apparently looked good, but now I'm a lot overweight, again due to the stupid drugs I have to take to get through the day in a haphazard and pained fashion.

I have aged, which I have moaned about on here before. I am not against aging per se, I am just against doing it while my back is turned. I was young and fit then I became old and ill.

So come on, join me, I need some solidarity here, have you ever pressed send when it would have been better to keep it in your drafts box?

What's the worst that happened? Did any good come from it? 

It's a Hard Rain's Gonna Fall

I'm awake. A gorgeous child came to my bed again in the wee small hours, my little angel delights have completely messed up my sleep this week.

I have become slightly insomniac since my first pregnancy. I have to sleep before my painkillers wear off and if I'm woken during the night I tend to stay awake, miserable with pain. I saw someone somewhere refer to it as painsomnia. Most appropriate. Or totes aprope as I sometimes say (Sorry).

So, as one is wont to do in the small hours, I dwell on the many ways things could have been better.

My parents are two of the biggest disappointments a person could bear. I cannot even begin to put down in writing the myriad times they have failed not only their children but their families and of course themselves.

They married young, because they had to (yes me).

Both already very damaged teens, the black sheep of two middle class families. Sadly, they eschewed all the trappings of their upbringings and indeed those of polite society. Constant rebels, not in the romantic, bohemian sense but in absolute chaos, mess and disaster, to the point where people have disowned them and they are now both pariahs in their communities and drains on our taxes.

I am 'estranged' from both of them, for my own sanity and to protect my children, but as they grow older and evermore revolting, I have intense guilt for rejecting them and instead choosing relationships with men who mirror my parents' worst qualities whilst masquerading as my knights in shining armour.

Unsurprisingly, my parents' children, us siblings, have not met our full potential. For me, there have been regular bouts of low mood or depression. A feeling of never fitting in and such a deep sadness and loneliness that has been with me from a very young age. A neglected child, my mum told me many times how hard it was to love me and that has stayed with me.

I do everything I can to make my own children feel loved but I cannot do the same for myself.

My self esteem has never been high despite appearances. People who don't know me so well think I am brimming with confidence but in reality I'm anxious and full of self loathing.

I have very beautiful and glamorous sisters. None of them have any of the health issues I have. I feel like a gnarly dwarf next to them, unnaturally short due to my twisted spine. Riddled with pain, even my hair is a let down. Theirs is sleek and shiny, mine frizzy, tired, dull, despite the time and money spent on treatments.

I recently started HRT to try and support some of my issues, maybe to help with my dislocations and to steady my mood swings.

The Dr diagnosed me with PMDD which is apparently an extreme form of PMS. It has blighted my life and now in middle age I finally found someone to take it seriously.

He prescribed the Mirena coil alongside a bio identical oestrogen gel called Sandrena. The two together should help make the transition into menopause more easy. So he says.....

TMI ALERT: So far I have bled for four weeks. It could take three months to settle down although a friend tells me she bled for years. If you have experience of either of these, or the two together, I'd love to hear from you.

It is the strangest feeling, aging, coming to terms with all the changes. I have suffered pain since my teens then it became more serious and never went away, becoming 'chronic', bringing with it an unmovable fatigue.

I have never forgiven my body. I feel like it has turned against me, perhaps not forgiven me for not respecting it during my wilderness decades. 

Oh but it was fun, not caring, the nineties were all about breaking rules, being young and unbeknownst to me, beautiful.

It took me years to realise that in my youth I actually was beautiful. I never realised and sold myself short time and again. I wonder how many people did this? An episode of This Is England brought it home to me and made me realise, my story was not unique. Such a cathartic experience watching the series, what brilliant writing.

Having grown up in chaos I never understood the importance of exercise. I rarely went to school and when I did go, PE was not top of my list. I never learned about nutrition or healthy eating until my 40s. 

One day I was young and as far as I knew, invincible. The next day, I woke up, looked in the mirror, saw grey hairs, wrinkles, someone else's belly, and somehow, many stones heavier. 

I recently watched First Dates. There was an old boy on there, ex market trader, liver spots and floppy fringe. To me he looked exactly like David Bowie or how Bowie would look if he were not a gazillionaire. 

I often wonder how my face and body might look and feel had I had money, or had my parents chosen different paths and had I not caned it like a muthafucka for all those years.

Hey ho! This is me now, oui, c'est moi. I guess I have to make the best of it.

Easy Come, Easy Go

Hey! So I recently ended a relationship. Having been split from my ex husband for just over two years I was keen to find what had been missing from our marriage.

My first sojourn into the world of dating was actually with a very old and trusted friend. He turned out to be a nasty character who rode roughshod over all my boundaries. I was very confused as we'd had a great friendship for years. I didn't want anything to detract from the children so decided to have a break altogether from men and just concentrate on my little family.

As I barely ever go out, I didn't expect to be dating anytime soon, but you know how life is, I met someone in the course of my domestic life. I didn't actually want to get involved again but this guy seemed to tick so many of my boxes, similar interests, same age, cute and seemed really kind. So we got together over a few dates, I tried to keep it quite casual as I have so much going on in my life. He kept pushing for more and I felt I was constantly resisting him whilst simultaneously finding him irresistible.

Early on in the process I told him a couple of my immovable boundaries, my bottom line, my non negotiables. I got to really like him, we had lots of fun and he was very sweet and understanding of my conditions. There were some niggles but having talked it over with friends I decided I am a control freak and I would try and relax about the whole deal. 

I couldn't quite relax though and ultimately found him dishonest and a bit of a let down. He tried to say that my standards are too high.

Hey ho, I'd rather be alone with high standards than showing my children their mother settling for less than the best.

So I have been crying a bit, missing him a lot and wishing things had been different. I could really do with someone to share all this with. I have very little in the way of family and those that I do have are particularly dismissive of my health issues. I have not had much support since my marriage ended, prior to that, my husband was brilliant on a practical level, just less than lacking on the emotional front.

I am lonely and would love to have a partner to help out, to lean on, to laugh with. I don't have much of a social life because I am too knackered and I don't have many friends who are single and/or up for it on the (few) days that I am.

I have struggled being a parent on my own. I tried the Gingerbread group but although there's apparently a group in my town, I couldn't find anyway of making contact with them and the website was spectacularly unhelpful. 

I have a wonderful time with my kids and we've had a very full weekend of activity but ultimately it's a lot of pressure on my own. By the time their bedtime comes I am almost rigid with pain. Who knew hypermobility could cause such crippling stiffness?

I feel so bad when I'm stressing at my little ones to clear up their mess, not because I'm trying to teach them to be tidy but just because I literally cannot move. I cannot bend to pick up another thing.

Tonight I thought 'oh fuck, are they going to end up as young carers? Not able to enjoy a normal childhood because of their useless mother?'.

No offence to parents of young carers, I'm just letting off some steam. I struggle to come to terms with what my body is doing to me. My brain is taking a while to accept my pain and lack of physical freedom.

That's turned into a bit of a whingefest. Nowt my night meds and a good sleep won't fix! 

On the bright side, my little gems had amazing breakthroughs in the pool today. My little girl who swam a few tentative strokes last week, doggy paddled her way around the pool today with gusto and great aplomb. 

It was a hugely proud moment for both of us, her style was super cute and funny, made all the more poignant by the fact that I didn't learn to swim as a child because of my childhood which was pretty neglectful and missing most of the key moments.

On top of my this, her little bro decided to get in on the action and swam a few strokes under water! This from a boy who cannot bear getting his face wet nor water in his eyes. What a pair of superheroes!

Have a good week y'all.

 X

Is There Anybody Out There?

Well hello...

Thank you for dropping by. I am new to this blogging lark, having tried and failed to find many likeminded folks I thought that a blog might be a way forward.

So, if I may introduce myself? I'm Brenda, I'm (ahem) early 40s. I have two young children and divorced a year ago.

I have joint hypermobility syndrome and fibromyalgia and to add insult to injury I have chronic pain and anxiety.

I do try and have a decent quality of life, I work three days a week and try and get out and about. I
have some lovely friends. But....I'm so fucking tired. All. The. Time.

I know that Mums get tired anyway, I hear it all the time from my partnered up, fully mobile friends and sometimes I wonder if I'm just making too big a deal of my exhaustion. I feel shagged out and wish I could be a better, more motivated, fitter mum for my kids.

They do keep me going tho, they make me laugh, drive me to the point of distraction and make me love so hard.

Tonight:
Child 2: Mummy?
Yes?
What's the opposite of balcony?
Erm.....cellar?
No
Dungeon
No
I don't know, give me a clue
Nothing
Okay then....

Child 1: Mummy?
Yeeesss?
What's the opposite of car?
Please just give me a clue
You step off the pavement onto it
Road?
Yes, your turn

You get my drift...

Since they both started school I have more time to myself and I have the bonus of a 'hands on' dad for an ex husband, so plenty of time to myself now.
The first few years of parenthood were pretty hellish, disability kicked in, in pregnancy number one then severe post natal depression in preggers number two.

I don't think I have got over either the PND or the disability and this is what has brought me here today.
The purpose of this blog is not just to moan about my lot in life. Believe me, I do see how shitty life has been to others and I know that I have it pretty good in comparison, I just want to share some shiz with y'all. I want to commune with peeps who get what I'm saying, make some contacts, feel like it's not all in vain (obviously not in vain as I am raising two absolute diamonds) and maybe, just maybe, I  can offer some support, solace, sisterhood, comradeship, whatever you like to call it.

I'll talk about any of it, the fear of being out of control of both your body and your mind, navigating dating and sex as a single mum and as a person with mobility issues, being a working mum, just give me a shout and we can work our way through the maze together.

Mwah, ciao, nice to meet you x